The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman. “Can I help you?” the madam asked.
“I want Natalie,” the old man replied.
“Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else…”
“No, I must see Natalie.” Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts…it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: “No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?”
The old man replied, “I’m from Philadelphia.”
“Really?” replied Natalie. “I have family who lives there.”
“Yes, I know,” said the old man. “Your father died, and I’m your sister’s attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you.”
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
“So,” he said, “I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.”
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. “You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000.”
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. “Now then, I’m returning $5,000, and we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits!”
Judge Bean and Lawyer Bilgeworth were riding horses. They cam upon an open stretch of country and noticed a hangman’s noose dangling from a tree, solemnly waving in the breeze.
“Bilgeworth,” said Judge Bean, “if that gallows had its due, where do you suppose you’d be?”
The lawyer looked at the noose. “Riding alone,” he said.
The funeral procession included two hearses and a man walking a dog. Several hundred people followed the man.
Curious, a pedestrian approached the man. “The first hearse carries my ex-wife’s lawyer,” the man explained. “My dog bit him and he died two days later. The second hearse has a lawyer who opposed me in some business litigation. He met the same fate.”
The pedestrian thought for a moment, then asked, “Could I borrow your dog.?”
“Okay be me, but you’re going to have to wait your turn like these other people.”
A lawyer went duck hunting for the first time in Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck, it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied, “This is my property and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.” The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot! Now, it’s my turn!”
The old farmer smiled and said, “No, I give up. You can have the duck.”
There was a young couple very much in love. On the night before they were to be married, both were killed in an automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, “St. Peter, my fiancee and I are very happy to be in heaven, but we miss very much the opportunity to have our wedding vows celebrated. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?”
St. Peter looked at him and said, “I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I’m afraid you’ll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment in two weeks from Wednesday.”
Come the appointed day, the couple was escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, “I tell you what; wait a year and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again.”
A year went by and the couple, still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again, the Lord God Almighty said, “I’m sorry to disappoint you but you must wait another year, and then I will consider your request.”
This happened year after year, for ten years. Each time they reasserted their yearning to be married; each time God put them off for another year. In the tenth year, they came before they Lord God Almighty to ask again. This time the Lord answered, “Yes, you may marry! This Saturday at 2:00 p.m. We will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!”
The wedding went off without a hitch. The bride looked beautiful. The Buddha did the flower arrangements for which Moses wove simple yet elegant baskets. Jesus prepared the fish course. All of heaven’s denizens attended, and a good time was had by all.
Tragically, but perhaps inevitably, within a few weeks, the newlyweds realized that they had made a horrible mistake. They simply couldn’t stay married to one another. So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty. Groveling and frightened, they asked if they could get a divorce.
The Lord heard their request, looked at them, and said, “Look, it took us TEN YEARS to find a priest up here in heaven. Do you have any idea how long it’ll take us to find a lawyer?”
The District Attorney was approaching the Suwanee River when he noticed a sign, “Caribbean Cruise–$99.00”. He stopped and bought a ticket, whereupon the salesman hit him on the head, wrapped him in a rug and threw him in the river.
The Public Defender noticed the same sign. He too bought a ticket, got hit on the head, wrapped in a rug and tossed in the river.
The Public Defender awoke and called out to the State’s Attorney, “Do they serve drinks on this cruise?”
The District Attorney replied, “They didn’t last year!”
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”
A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, “Hi there, how’s it going tonight?”
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, “I’ll screw anybody any time, any where, any place, it doesn’t matter to me.”
The guy raises his eyebrows and says, “No kidding? What law firm do you work for?”
Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.
The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said,” I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”
“No problem,” said the attorney, “I’ll get it for you.”
While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney’s shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”
Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“How long must this go on?” he asked. “This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?”
A farmhand consulted a lawyer. He had long tended the late farmer’s cows, and believed they would his when the farmer died. Now the farmer’s son claimed ownership.
“I’ll take your case,” said the lawyer, “Don’t worry about the cows.”
The next day the farmer’s son came in. The cows were raised on his land, he said, they should be his.
“I’ll take your case,” said the lawyer, “Don’t worry about the cows.”
Later, his secretary asked, “How can the cows belong to both?”
“Don’t worry about the cows,” the lawyer said. “The cows will be ours.”
A guy phones a law office and says: “I want to speak to my lawyer.”
The receptionist replies “I’m sorry but he died last week.”
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies “I told you yesterday, he died last week.”
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says “I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?”
The guy says, “Because I just love hearing you say that.”
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked them.
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.
“Oh, come along with me then,” said the lawyer.
“But sir, I have a wife with six children,” the second man answered.
“Bring them as well.”
They all climbed into the limousine – no easy task – and one of the poor fellows said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
“No problem,” said the lawyer, “The grass in my yard is about two feet tall.”
The old man was critically ill. He called his lawyer. “I want to become a lawyer,” he said. “How much for a quickie law degree?”
“About $50,000,” the lawyer said, “But why bother?”
“That’s my business. Get me the course.”
Four days later the lawyer delivered the new law degree. Suddenly the old man was wracked with fits of coughing, and it was clear the end was near.
“Please, before it’s too late,” said the lawyer, “Tell me why you wanted a law degree now?”
As he breathed his last , the old man whispered, “One less lawyer.”
“And God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan.'”
– Pete Luchini
A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question, “Have you ever been arrested?” He answered, “No.”
The next question, intended for applicants who had answered, “Yes,” was “Why?” The lawyer answered it, “Never got caught.”
It was a nice day at the park by the lake. Three guys were casting their lines to catch some fish and a couple were rowing in a small boat. Two crows were cruising by, eyeing for some targets to shit on. The younger of the two crows tried to show off and dove onto those three guys. Tut, tut, tut. But it went thud, thud, hitting only two of the three.
The older crow went towards the couple in the moving row boat. Tut, tut. And it went thud, hitting only one of the couples. Since this was a moving target, it didn’t seem all that bad.
Then out from nowhere came this little bird, wings still wet like it was just been hatched. It dove towards those three guys. Tut, tut, tut. Thud, thud, thud. It swooped over to the row boat. Tut, tut. Thud, thud. Then a kid riding a bike came around. It flew over there. Tut. Thud. And it then rested on a tree branch.
So the two crows felt embarrassed and went over there, said, “We are impressed! Where do you learn to shit on people like that?”
The little one said, “I may be a new hatch but I’ve got plenty of experience. In my former life I was a lawyer.
A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas, and are forced to stop at a farmer’s house. The farmer says that there are only 2 extra beds, and one person will have to sleep in the barn.
The Hindu says, “I’m humble, I’ll sleep in the barn,” so he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It’s the Hindu and he says, “There is a cow in the barn. It’s against my beliefs to sleep with a cow.”
So the rabbi says, “I’m humble, I’ll sleep in the barn.” A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it’s the rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn.
So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. It’s the pig and the cow.
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?”
The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.”
The lawyer looked puzzled. “Gee,” he asked, “How do you start a flood?”
In a recent study, the government administered weekly doses of Viagra to an equal number of doctors and lawyers. While most of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller. Researchers are at a loss to explain the results.
A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared the worst. He asked a senior partner whether he ought to send the judge a box of cigars.
“The judge is an honorable man,” the horrified senior partner exclaimed. “If you do, I guarantee you’ll lose the case.”
The judge eventually ruled in favor of the young lawyer’s client.
“Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars?” the senior partner asked.
“I did send them,” the young lawyer answered, “I just enclosed the opposition’s business card.”
There was a loser who couldn’t get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.
The guy said, “It’s simple. I just say, ‘I’m a lawyer.'”
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said “No,” he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, “Oh!!!! You’re a lawyer?”
He said, “Why,… Yes I am!”
So they went to his place and when they were in bed, making love, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered, “Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already screwing someone!”
The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front.
The startled tiger turns around and says, “Hey! Cut it out, already.” The rear tiger says, “Sorry,” and they continue.
After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, “I said stop it!.” The rear tiger says, “Sorry,” and they continue.
After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, “What is it with you, anyway?”
The rear tiger replies, “Well, I just ate a lawyer and I’m trying to get the taste out of my mouth!”
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, “I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners.”
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, “So, what’s the catch?”
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, “We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?”
“I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. “It was easy,” said the patient, “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.”
A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend’s car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, “What’s happened to your car?”
“Well,” the friend responds, “I ran into a lawyer.”
“OK,” says the man, “that explains the blood… But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?”
“Well, I had to chase him all through the park.”
– from Ray Martinez
A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel, where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
– from Andrea Swingley
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver’s door of the Lexus. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn’t more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”
“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, “Didn’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”
“My God!” screamed the lawyer, “Where is my Rolex?”
– from Dave Partee
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked one of the three lawyers. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers one of the engineers. They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket,” asks one perplexed lawyer. “Watch and you’ll see,” says one of the engineers. When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”
– from Dave Partee
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court.
He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, “You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!”
The old rancher replied, “Well, I’ll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning.”
A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”
“Me first! Me first!” says the secretary. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.”
Poof! She’s gone.
“Me next! Me next!” says the paralegal. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life.”
Poof! He’s gone.
“You’re next,” the Genie says to the partner.
The partner says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, “where’s the three million bucks you embezzled from me?”
The accountant doesn’t answer.
The Godfather asks again, “where’s the three million bucks you embezzled from me?”
The attorney interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.”
The Godfather says, “well, ask him where the @#!* money is.”
The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, ” He doesn’t know what you’re talking about “
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the hammer and says, “Ask him again where the @#!* money is!”
The attorney signs to the accountant, “He wants to know where it is!”
The accountant signs back, “Okay! Okay! The money’s hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!”
The Godfather says, “Well, what did he say?”
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He says that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, Ker-plop!, right on his twitchy little nose.
“Oh, please excuse me!” said the ever-so-polite bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and couldn’t see.”
“That’s perfectly all right,” replied the snake. “To be sure, it was MY fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?”
“Well, I really don’t know,” said the bunny. “I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.”
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, “Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail, and a dear twitchy little nose; YOU must be a BUNNY RABBIT!” And the little blind bunny was so pleased he danced with joy.
Then he said, “I can’t thank you enough, but, by the way, WHAT kind of animal are YOU?”
And the snake replied that he didn’t know, and the bunny agreed to examine HIM, and when he was finished, the snake said, “Well, what kind of an animal am I?” So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, “You’re hard, you’re cold, you’re slimy, and you haven’t got any balls… You must be a lawyer.”
Many years ago, a junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: “Justice prevailed.” The senior partner replied in haste: “Appeal immediately.”
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
“It ain’t so bad,” one crook noted. “We got $25 between us.”
The boss screamed: “I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke in!”
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked “How much is 2+2?”
The housewife replies: “Four!”.
The accountant says: “I think it’s either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time.”
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, “How much do you want it to be?”